Resolutions continued..........

So going off my last post I continue my resolutions. One of them being to take more pictures. Tony and I invested in a really nice Canon DSLR this past year. We always have the best intentions of taking pictures but then forget! And seriously, even if I don't want to lug around the big gun it's not that hard to take my little digital camera with me in my purse to capture moments. So this year I am going to try really hard to take more pics.
Geocaching. This is something that Tony and I really enjoy doing (as you can see from previous posts). But its something we just haven't done that much of. One of the biggest reasons is grad school. I know I blame it most of the time for why I don't/can't get things done, but it's all I do! There just aren't enough hours in a day. But maybe if we plan ahead of time we can stick to it and start doing more of it. At REI they are really expanding their caching stuff. They have a section dedicated to it now.
I have quite a few other "little" resolutions too. Now that I look at these -they are not so much resolutions as parts of my life I want to improve on or things I want to do. I know that for the first half of the year (until August 13th! Graduation day!) they are all going to have to go on the back burner because I'll be going to school full time, but maybe every now and again I can find the time to do things I really enjoy doing. Like sewing (or more like learning to sew), keeping a cleaner house (how can 2 people and a dog get a house so dirty?), cooking more, baking more, keeping in touch better with friends and family. Take language classes (free Rosetta Stone through the college library - how can I pass that up???).
Oh, and we have big plans for the garden this year. We are going to expand it to double in size so that we can grow more food!! We had a lot of fun last summer and learned some lessons. We have already started planning how we are going to lay it out and what we are going to plant. The veggies just tasted so good and it felt good to eat straight out of the garden. Hopefully this year I will have enough to can as well.
One of the bigger resolutions I am really going to try and stick to is letting go of guilt. I am guilt ridden! It's almost debilitating. I feel bad about everything. I think of things that happened years ago and I am plagued with guilt about what I should have done or didn't do or did wrong. I know how unhealthy it is. I am still not sure how I am going to do accomplish this. If I start letting things go I know it will help. I feel like it's part of my DNA to feel so bad about next to everything. Like taking time off work - it's hard to even enjoy it because I think of what I should be doing or what I am going to have to face when I get back. I worry that maybe I'm not in the right career field. I worry that I don't have children yet....and what if I can't? What if I wait so long to start trying that I am not able to? I feel guilty that I don't do as well in school as I should. Oh, I could go on and on and on with this list.
On this same note another thing I need to do is learn to let things go. I know in my head that not everyone is going to want to keep/maintain friendships. I guess I just always think that even if you don't talk to someone often that you continue thinking positive thoughts and hoping good things come their way, but not everyone is like that. This sounds negative, but I need to accept that and realize that friendships are two sided and they cannot be maintained by only one side. And I will still continue praying for people and wishing great things for their life, but I cannot allow the non existant reciprocation of this to affect me. I mean, how many times do you reach out to someone before you realize that they are never going to reach back? Does it make you a fool to continue trying? Maybe it is just a waste of time that you could be spending on those that really count in your life, those that are going to be there at the finish line waiting for you with open arms and an iced coke. Once you realize that you can see that they were the ones cheering you one the whole time, even when you were falling, when you were wanting to give up and walk away, they were the ones who loved you no matter what and they are ones that are important then you can focus your energy on doing the same for them. And I don't want this to sound like I am going to start taking people out of the address book, I'm just not going to put as much heart into those relationships. I'm going to try and keep them at arms length, then its not such a big deal when in the past I would be disappointed. I think part of why I am feeling this way is our lack of friendships here in Colorado. As you get older too, I think you realize that there are a few people who really count in life and they need/want you as bad as you do them. I am so lucky and so grateful for the lovely people in my life....the ones who will drop everything to listen, who know just what to say and who know it's ok to not say anything at all sometimes. The ones who call just to hear your voice and be reassured that you are ok. So here is to letting the nagging feeling that it's my fault go to the wayside with the rest of 2009.

Finding your OM

The other day my friend sent me an email at work and he was telling me how he's at a place in his life that is definetly good - but how he wants something different. He thought things would be different. He and his wife really want to move closer to family, but are struggling to figure out HOW to make that happen. How do you walk away from a really good job, a house you can't sell, instead of waiting and seeing how things go maybe next year? Patience is such a virtue and one of the hardest things to have. They are homesick. He thought things would be different and he feels like his wheels are just spinning as he's biding his time. I've been there. We've all been there. It's so easy to forget about the present because you are busy trying to plan your future. How much do we miss by doing that?
It got me thinking about how you picture your future at different points in your life and then it seems to turn out so different than you had imagined. A lot has to do with fate - but I think a lot has to do with you and what you create for your future. I would like to think that you can do anything.....maybe that is my age still talking. But to a certain extent you can create your own course. Not to say you won't fail, but the worse thing would be having never tried. It's easy to say - I want to do this and I think it would make me happy - but the following through is so hard. You may have to give up your good job to go back to school with the hope of finding a more fulfilling career. You are rolling the dice - but honestly - how often does someone get a degree or training and then say - well, that extra time and money and new education wasn't worth it? At least you tried - you went for it. And the potential pay off is so  much more than struggling in the mean time. I struggle with this because I'm such a worrier! I will worry about the smallest details until I make myself sick.
As I was laying in bed the other night thinking about this - an image, maybe a dream but I wasn't fully asleep yet, came to my mind that filled me with calmness. This image is quite a few years down the road, but it's peaceful and I can't stop thinking about it. Tony and I were at his Aunt Edie's cabin on the lake (Minn), a place we have been numerous times before. Tony's dad spent summers there and Tony got to go there when he was young too. It's been in the family for a long time. It's a beautiful little bungaloo and you can walk right down to the pier. In the image Tony was down at the pier with our two little boys and they were fishing. I could hear them giggling and squealing. I was up on the porch working on research for school and beside me was a bassenet with a beautiful baby girl sleeping in it. The breeze was nice and soft and it was a beautiful summer day. My cup runneth over.
Now whether or not this will ever happen is up in the air. But it's a very real possibility. Anyways, I've been thinking about it all week and it has made me smile each time. Maybe that is my happy place - the place I should close my eyes and go to when things get stressful - or when I forget about the really important things in life. My mantra.
What's yours?

College 101

This is a little something I journaled tonight, while waiting for my statistics refresher course to start (it is kind of random, just a hodgepodge of thoughts):

I'm nervous, anxious, scared.
Do I belong here? Already I feel like everyone is smarter than I am. What if it's too hard? What if I fall on my face? What if I fail?
On the verge of tears.
I am now realizing that everyone brought their laptop. Except for me...shit.
I feel out of place. I know my anxiety is apparent I hear other languages being spoken. This is a part time grad program...Great, even the guy with highlights that just touched down from Cali has his laptop.
At least everyone looks older like me. That's comforting.
I am so intimidated right now. What am I doing? The girls sitting in the row in back of me are fast becoming friends, I can hear a couple of them giggling. Sitting in front of their brand new dells....man, new technology scares me.


So I feel ALOT better now, after the class. The professor was very interesting and engaging. And it wasn't over my head. I remembered my t's, z's and probabilities some what. I walked out feeling like maybe I do have something to offer. I just doubt myself sometimes. This is going to be a big dedication, but if I put my whole heart into it, I know I can do my best. It was just scary to start something new. Walking through the campus to class today reminded me of the first days of my freshman year of college. Feeling small in a great big college. Wondering if I was going to be as smart as the other students, if I was going to make friends. Is everyone going to be dressed up? You would think 10 years later I would be so much more confident....but I think everyone is apprehensive when they are starting a new chapter in their lives.